


To ever be allowed to touch you again

by BarricadeKitten (Dominatrix)



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: (duh), Developing Relationship, Dumb spies talking about feelings, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Harry Hart Lives, Harry is his usual masochist martyr self, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Pining Harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4969600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominatrix/pseuds/BarricadeKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Eggsy has a nightmare about Kentucky, Harry comforts him, and there are many misunderstandings about feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To ever be allowed to touch you again

**Author's Note:**

> I know that I usually suck at writing summaries, but somehow this was a lot harder than usual. So I'm sorry about the summary, I swear the fic is better.

Harry woke up to a voice screaming his name. Not just _a_ voice, though. “Eggsy” he breathed while he scrambled out of bed, reaching for the gun he kept under his pillow and aggressively trying to blink away the nauseating darkness in front of his eyes. It always came with getting up too fast, after he got shot by Valentine, but he didn't allow himself to be slowed down by that.

He ripped open his own bedroom door and practically ran across the corridor, throwing open the door to his guest room without a single thought on his own safety. The door slammed against the wall, and Harry entered the room, gun raised, chest heaving, eyes scanning every dark corner.

He allowed himself a deep, deliberate breath when he heard Eggsy's voice again, warm and rough with sleep.

“Harry?” the younger man asked lowly, as if he was confused why Harry was here. Harry lowered his gun instantly, rushing over to Eggsy's bedside and looking down on him.

He didn't dare to sit on the edge of the bed, not with Eggsy shirtless, sitting upright in bed, sheets pooling in his lap, bathed in the warm light of the nightstand lamp. Harry Hart prided himself in having a big amount of self-restraint, but there was only so much a man could take.

 

“Are you alright, Eggsy?” Harry asked, taking a closer look at Eggsy's neck and face. Apart from his shock-wide eyes and rapid breathing he seemed to be fine.

“Yea, I am. I'm sorry, I didn' know you'd come home tonight, didn' wanna wake ya. Just go back to sleep, will ya? I'll be alright.”

Harry frowned; he didn't quite believe the younger man, Eggsy still looked shaken. “You were yelling my name, I thought somebody was attacking you.”

Eggsy bit his lip, lashes fluttering as he cast his eyes down to avoid Harry's gaze, hands twisting in the sheets. “'s nothing. Just had a nightmare is all.”

Harry threw all caution in the wind and sat down on the bed, just a few inches apart from Eggsy's drawn-up knees, keeping a concerned eye on him. “What was it about?”

The younger agent looked up at him again, green eyes big and shining suspiciously; he cleared his throat before he spoke again, and even then his voice sounded thick.

“The church” he mumbled, and Harry had to strain himself a bit to hear everything. “It's always the church, always you and Valentine and...” He stopped himself there, looking away and wiping his cheek hastily, a sight which nearly ripped Harry apart.

 

“Eggsy...I had no idea. I am so sorry that you had to see that. If you are uncomfortable with staying here after missions you can always make use of the spare rooms at HQ. Merlin will figure something out, I will speak to him first thing tomorrow morning, or maybe...”

“What are you talkin' about?” Eggsy interrupted him, all gentleman training obviously forgotten.

The frown on Harry's forehead deepened even more; it seemed to be etched into the skin lately. “I never spared a thought on how it must be to share a house with me, with you knowing what terrible things I have done to innocent people. I am truly sorry, Eggsy.”

Harry clenched his fists until his knuckles went white and his short-cut nails pressed hard into his palms, the edge of pain grounding him. How could he not have thought about that? Eggsy had to despise him for killing all those people in the church, ruthlessly; and that thought hurt like a bullet to the head, if not worse. How could he even dare to beg for Eggsy's forgiveness if he had nothing to offer in return except an old fool's love?

Only when he felt a hesitant touch on his forearm did he look up again, straight into Eggsy's eyes.

“This is so not what it's about, 'Arry, believe me. You couldn't have done nothin' against it, don't blame yourself. We all know you had no choice.” Harry drew a heavy breath, it sounded raspier than he had intended, and Eggsy's fingers flexed on his forearm at the sound of it.

 

“But...What was it, then?”

Eggsy flinched at the memory, face contorting in a grimace of pain, and Harry wanted nothing more than to reach over and smooth the younger man's forehead with his thumb, to pull him into his arms and comfort him, shielding him from everything that might harm him.

“You fell. Valentine shot you, and you fell, and you bled all over that fuckin'...And I couldn't do nothin' to stop it, I could just watch, and I...” Eggsy's voice broke at that point, and he curled in on himself, head dropping between his shoulders.

Harry wanted to scream, to tear himself apart for causing his boy so much pain. Instead, he shuffled closer to Eggsy and wrapped his arms around him tightly, stroking the dirty-blonde hair with shaking fingers, feeling the younger man tremble under his touch.

“I'm sorry, Eggsy” he whispered into his neck, all but curled around him with Eggsy half on his lap, his arms wrapped around Harry's waist, clinging to him almost painfully tight.

“I'm so sorry, please believe me. Please Eggsy, please forgive me.”

It was not enough, not at all, but it was all Harry could do. He had spent the last months trying to gain Eggsy's trust back, trying to earn his forgiveness with everything he did, and he still wasn't sure if it would ever be the same between them. At least Eggsy allowed his touches again, not shying away from him anymore, and that was something.

After a while – it could have been minutes, or years; Harry seemed to forget about a concept like time when he was with Eggsy – he felt how the younger man calmed down in his arms, breaths slowing down and deepening. Not feeling reckless enough to kiss his forehead, Harry ran his hand over Eggsy's hair one last time before he let him go gently, though he kept a hand on his former protegé's knee; grounding both of them.

“Sorry” Eggsy sniffled in a small voice and wiped his tears away sheepishly, reaching over for the tissues on the nightstand and blowing his nose. “Didn' want you to see that.”

Harry gaped at him. “Eggsy, I am inconsolable. If I had known that you would be so affected, I...”

Eggsy dropped his head again, fiddling with the tissue packet in his hands nervously. “There is no way you could have possibly not seen that I...how I felt about you.”

 

Oh. _Oh._ Harry spent a delicious moment in running those words through his head again, delighted that Eggsy, impossible as it may seem, returned his feelings, and that maybe everything could turn out alright. But then the inevitable crash followed. _Felt. Felt, not feel._

It hurt Harry to hear Eggsy talk in past tense, but then again what did he expect? That everything would go back to normal? Surely just being allowed to be near Eggsy was more than he should have dared to hope after coming back from the dead. It was far more than he deserved. But still...

“It seems that I have been too busy masking my own intentions to spare a second glance on yours.”

Only now the gravity of the situation crashed down on him.

Thinking about how close he had been to having Eggsy, all those times, how it would have needed just a single touch, just a word...He clenched his hands into white-knuckled fists again, willing them to stop shaking. He had been so close, and then everything had gone to shit.

 

"I cannot believe how stupid I've been. To lose you, Eggsy, has been my biggest fear, and now..."

Eggsy looked up again, apparently taken aback. "Who's said anything about losing?"

Harry swallowed harshly, training his eyes on the ceiling, trying to find words that didn't make him sounds like a petulant toddler. "You said..."

"Harry, look at me.” Eggsy's voice was firm, but not harsh, and Harry followed his softly spoken demand, nearly losing himself in the depths of his green eyes.

“I'm kinda having a hard time understanding that you're back, and it'll probably be a while longer til I wrap my head around it completely. But if you still feel...if you still have the same intentions...I can't promise it'll be like before, I'm sorry, I just can't."

Harry had dared to hope that things would go back to the way they were when he came back to HQ, but a single look at Eggsy's face had been enough to reconsider. (The fact that Eggsy refused to talk to him for nearly two weeks was a big clue as well.) But this...this sounded like there was hope for something else, more a fresh start under different circumstances than a continuation.

"I don't want you to be sorry about anything you had no control over, my dear boy. Neither of us intended things to...go this way."

Eggsy's gaze wandered from Harry's eyes to his temple, to the still fresh and angry scar scraping along the side, losing itself in Harry's hair, which slowly started growing back after being shaven for surgery. Somehow the weight of Eggsy's gaze was more grounding and comforting than any touch could be.

"I'm not the man I was when you met me. But then neither are you. If it is my intentions you're worried about, let me tell you that my feelings towards you have not faded. On the contrary.”

 

Eggsy's eyes snapped back to his, and there was a short moment in which Harry contemplated just standing up and bidding him a good night. But he had ruined so much with masking his feelings, trying to do the right thing, trying to be responsible when actually he was just scared of being hurt. None of that now.

“I have wanted you for a long time, Eggsy, but I only realised I really loved you when I assumed it to be too late. If you'll grant me another chance, I will do my best to make you as happy as you deserve to be, I swear."

Eggsy opened and closed his mouth a few times, eyes wide and full of disbelief. "I..."

"I know it's a lot to take in, and I don't expect your answer to be immediate." How could he demand anything right now when he had so much to atone for? How could he ever think he deserved to be adored by Eggsy? How...

"I love you. Harry. I love you so much." It didn't quite tumble out of the younger man's mouth, he said it slowly, deliberately, as if he had rolled the thought around in his head a few times already.

"Eggsy..." Carefully, with the practiced cold grace of a Kingsman agent, he reached out his hand toward Eggsys face, letting out a heavy breath when the younger man nuzzled into the touch and covered Harry's hand with his own.

 

"I love you” Eggsy whispered again, a bright smile slowly spreading on his face.

"I love you too. God, I love you, Eggsy. I will try each day to deserve you, to make it worth staying here. I swear."

Eggsy frowned lightly, reaching out and pulling Harry closer, until their noses almost touched and they nearly shared the same air. Harry's eyes nearly fluttered shut when he felt fingers running through his hair, but he forced himself to keep them on Eggsy. "Harry...What are you on about? What do you mean?"

Harry couldn't stop himself from chuckling; the bitterness of it hurt in his throat. "An old man and a dead dog. Are you sure this is the life you want?"

He was stupid for saying it, for reminding Eggsy how much more he could have, far more than a man old enough to be his father, but he loved Eggsy too much to be selfish. Or maybe it was selfish to decide that it was better if Eggsy realised it now instead of leaving him in a few years time.

Either way, he didn't expect Eggsy to lean over and plant a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"I don't care as long as it's with you."  


End file.
